Last night I had a conversation with my roommate that was, to put it simply, humiliating. Through the course of the conversation I came to realize that I had made a choice a while ago that was wrong. Without going into details I will say the decision I made had been based on selfish motives. It was prideful, it was selfish, it was emotionally grounded, and it was not God-honoring, but all the while I had convinced myself that I was acting according to God's will. To my great shame and regret, I confess that I successfully deceived myself into believing that my choice was actually an act of faith in God, rather than a blatant disregard for the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
If I could paint a visual of the situation for you, it would look something like this:
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You're walking to class, loaded with books and passing others who are likewise either coming or going. Along the way, a handful of people point out that your shoe is untied. You are in too much of a hurry to take the time to stop and tie the shoe, so you keep going, believing that it's no big deal and that you are plenty careful enough not to trip on a shoelace. As you speed up, maybe a little late for class, you suddenly find yourself falling. It catches you by surprise, but at this point there's nothing to be done and you hit the pavement, books flying around you. You're lying on your face and time stands still.
In the next few seconds, you are keenly aware of the people around you. Though you know they all saw you trip and fall, you are so embarrassed that you lay there trying to figure out how you can get up without anyone noticing. It's almost as if you don't want anyone to see you get up because somehow that would be admitting to them that you fell in the first place. Instead, you lay there, too prideful to make a move as the seconds tick by.
If you lay there long enough, you begin to lose sight of your personal responsibility in the situation. You blame the people who warned you about your untied shoe for not making you stop and tie it. You blame the professor for getting so bent out of shape when people come in late for class. Given enough time, you convince yourself that you didn't really trip on your own shoelace at all, but that someone else stepped on it. Worse, you deceive yourself into actually believing that someone shoved you to the ground! You feel like you deserve an apology!
So you lay there, feeling attacked, and you're so wrapped up in your feelings of anger, hurt and frustration that you don't even hear the voices of the people around you asking if you're okay and if you need some help. But it makes no difference whether you hear them or not, because even if you did, you would reject their help, convinced that they misunderstand the situation entirely. Accepting their help would mean admitting that you have in fact fallen, and you are not about to do that.
But sadly, the reality is that you really did trip on your own shoelace, that you had been given plenty of opportunities to fix the problem, and that you still look like a moron laying in the middle of the sidewalk during peak class traffic. Get up already!
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Admittedly, I have laid on the sidewalk for far too long. It was my own sinful choice that put me there, and it took my roommate's conversation with me and a dozen of other promptings along the way to finally convince me to get up. It hurts. My knees are pretty banged up, and I have this pounding headache that will probably stick around for a while. Those are consequences that I will have to live with, but I have since tied my shoe and I don't think I'll be tripping and falling again any time soon, at least not like that.
The truth of the matter is that humiliation is good for the soul. It reminds me of how small I am, how foolish, how fallen, how desperate and how hopeless I am on my own. It sounds demoralizing, but the beauty of my humiliated state is that no matter how great my folly, my mistake, and my sin, God's grace is always greater. Because of His great mercy, I am forgiven. What is more, I was forgiven before I had even admitted my own fault!
Coming to the point of taking ownership of my sin, confessing it to God, and asking for His forgiveness has brought restoration and reconciliation. It's as though God has lovingly said to me, "I am glad you finally admitted it, but you know as well as I that you have already been forgiven. Our relationship is restored....." Sounds good doesn't it? I run into His arms and am surrounded by His embrace, comforted, but the conversation is not over yet. He continues, ".....our relationship is restored, now you must go and restore the relationships that your choice has left broken."
You see, our sins do not only affect our relationship with God, they affect our relationships with the people around us as well, especially other believers. I have forgiveness from the Father, now I must ask forgiveness from everyone that my decision may have hurt along the way. To go back to the illustration, that could be a number of people, and especially those I blamed for causing the fall. The people who warned me about my shoelace, the professor, the people on the sidewalk who offered to help.... some of them deserve an apology.
The thing about apologies is that they require humility - as if getting up off the pavement after you trip and fall wasn't humiliating enough on its own. Ironically, this semester I have been reading a book by C.J. Mahaney entitled "Humility: True Greatness". This week it has been more meaningful than ever, piercing my heart in new and profound ways. Humility is certainly not a comfortable thing, but it is necessary, and I am thankful for it.
This time around I have a couple banged up knees and a headache to show for my humiliating experience, but these are a small price to pay for a deepening understanding of the riches of God's grace, mercy, and forgiveness. If it takes falling on my face once or twice to truly appreciate the wonder of the gospel and God's gift of salvation then I think it's certainly worth it. My only hope is that I will learn from my mistake and that my next fall won't be the result of an untied shoelace in my life.
James 4:6-10 "But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."Labels: reflections