There has been an ongoing battle in my life. For years I have found myself fighting for faith. It is not saving faith that I speak of, but faith in God's character. I confess, I have long struggled to trust God's goodness, His sovereignty, His provision, and even His mercy, love, and kindness.
Why? Because I am afraid. My greatest fear is that I will spend this life alone. Unwed. Unmarried. Unloved. Old maid. Such words cut me to the heart, leaving terror in their wake. Without going into all the details, I believe I was created for companionship. I believe God has gifted me to be someone's partner and helpmate in this life, serving alongside him, helping him to be more effective in life and ministry. At the end of the day, there is nothing I think I want more.
But each day that I wake up alone is another day I must walk the battlefield in my ongoing war for faith. I often find myself wondering how a God that is good and sovereign, Who provides for His children out of the riches of His mercy, love, and kindness, could create such a longing in me and leave it unfulfilled. At times the ache and the pain of loneliness is overwhelming and I find myself losing the battle.
Last night was such a time. My head still hurts from the tears that I wept, and even now my throat begins to close, remembering with soreness the painful sobs as tears well in my eyes again. But I can manage a smile too, because sometime between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 in the morning, on Sunday, the 30th of May, God answered me in my distress.
What follows is the un-edited prayer to God that I scratched out in my journal during that time:
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"It's around 1:20 in the morning. My heart is crushed.
"Oh God, why does it hurt so much! My heart aches within me! What hope is there to keep me going? Yet even now I hear your whispers - "I am your hope, hope in Me." O God, O God, I want to believe it. Help my unbelief O Father. If there is any mercy within You, grant me the faith to trust in You, to hope in You without any doubting. I am unable to do it - I need Your strength to intervene - to challenge and dismiss my weakness.
"O God, what is there to hope in? I feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. If I am to be an old maid, to spend my life on this earth alone and unmarried I would rather You strike me dead now. What point would there be to such a life God? Why, when You have created me with a hunger for companionship, a desire to help and support and encourage a godly man in this life, why would You then withhold that from me? Where is the justice in that? What purpose does that serve? Where is the justice and mercy and love in that? Where is the lovingkindness in keeping that from me? Is it not a good desire?
"Forgive me if I slander or disrespect Your Holy Name. I know not of the heights of Your holiness - I cannot fathom the depths of Your glory and Your righteousness. I cannot fathom it, and yet I cannot see it either. In my circumstances at present I struggle and fail to see Your love and Your mercy - yet You whisper - "I have provided - this house, that job" - Oh but why these?
"Be patient with me - I only say what is on my heart.
"Why this house - living with a prof's family in the cold lower level room in PA of all places? Why not a place of my own in a warm land alongside a man after Your own heart? Why not with a kitchen of my own and a place of my own where I feel like I belong and I don't feel like I am in the way? This is not what I wanted - this is not what You created me for - "I created you for even this, for this moment," You say. Why? Where the heck is the love and kindness in that? Where is Your famous mercy in the midst of my pain and the ache of loneliness? I wish to believe in it but I cannot see it.
"O God, forgive me, but I wonder if it is real. In my head I see this cruel god that delights in my anguish and withholds good things from me. Grant me the faith to believe that is not You. O God! Restore my hope in You for it is failing!
"Why have You given me this secretarial job? Was I meant to sit behind a desk and answer phones and to plant churches? Why don't I have a desire for that? And why now do You whisper "You do"? I never asked to be a secretary. "Since when is it about getting what you ask for?" You reply. And what can I say to that? In spite of myself I am at a loss - but still the ache remains. O God, be merciful and spare me from this heartache! Remove my will and my desire and replace them both with Yours.
"Why can't I trust? Why can't I have the faith that is necessary? And why do You say that I do? Why is the struggle, the battle that rages within, the proof that such faith is at work within me? What could that possibly mean? I do not understand. Can faith exist amidst such doubt and fear? It seems like such a paradox. Show me in Your Word what it means to have faith - what does that really look like? Ah - Hebrews 11 - hall of faith. Immediately Abraham comes to mind. He was a man of great faith, yes? Called and esteemed as a father of the faith, and yet, how many times did he doubt? Father, are these Your thoughts or mine? ...............
"(pause as I turned to
Hebrews 11 - was caught by the heading mid-way through
Ch. 10 - "A Call to Persevere" and read from there to the end of the chapter, then went back and read the entire of
Ch. 10 - oh what truth - and how desperately I needed it!)
"Praise God for
Hebrews Ch. 10! All of my 'sacrifices' and my striving will never be enough to win this battle. Christ has accomplished all that I strive for already - once for all at the cross. In one act He paid for every doubt and fear and anxiety that I struggle with even today. Oh that this would be the end of the battle for me - oh that this would be the last night I struggle with such thoughts and anguish! Oh that the words of Hebrews 10 would be my song!
"You have made perfect those who are being made Holy O Christ! I am perfect in the eyes of the Father, and I am being made holy even now!
Verse 17 brings hope to my weary and weak soul:
"Every doubt and fear paid for - done - no longer a debt is owed that I cannot pay, and the work required has already been accomplished on the cross, never to be accomplished again. As Christ Himself has said, as You said, O Christ, as You hung on that tree for me, "It is accomplished!" And praise God it is!
"What promise is found in Your Word O God, my Father and my hope. You alone are good. I thank You for Your mercy - for hearing the prayer of a desperate sinner. "You are my child," You whisper. And I do not deserve it. "No one does," You say, and now I am aware of your mercy. Thank you for showing it to me tonight - for lavishing me with kindness and pointing me to the truths of Your Word.
"It is true, as Your Word says,
"His mercies are new every morning," even at 2:24am. I would ask for Your forgiveness - and I do, knowing that I have already been forgiven - nothing is left undone. Now, if I may ask for yet another favor, I would ask that You would grant me with a sufficient rest for all that the day requires, and the courage to face tomorrow single, for that is what you have for me today."
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Labels: journal/quiet time, reflections