My thoughts have taken up a terrible march, beating out a heavy rhythm that at times feels like imminent doom. So much on my mind. Too much.
Yesterday I received a repayment schedule for my school loans. Any hope I may have clung to for somehow escaping adulthood and remaining a child forever seems lost. Though I knew this was coming, its arrival brought a swarm of unexpected thoughts and emotions.
The payment plan comes already set up on a schedule that will have your loans payed off in 10 years. I don't want to be in debt that long, but in my current situation it would likely take me several years to pay off these loans, all the while eeking out a mediocre existence in which the dreams and aspirations of childhood seem more and more a fantasy.
Since my current income doesn't allow for a more rapid repayment, the possibility of getting a second job stirs in my mind. Along with that, a myriad of other options. If I get a second job here in the area, it will likely be part time, and minimum wage. That being the case, should I just look for another job altogether? Better paying, with the possibility of working overtime? And if I do go that route, why should I even stay in Pennsylvania? Surely there are better job opportunities elsewhere.
Should I move to Yuma and live with my grandparents? Would I be able to find a solid job there that would speed up the loan repaying process? Maybe I could go back to Washington, get connected in my home church again and find a job there somewhere. After all, I was making more money lifeguarding last summer than I am doing secretarial work now. The work was more fulfilling, and for a short time it was my mission-field. I could do that again for a year or two until my loans were paid off.
There are options, there are vague possibilities, but where is the puzzle-piece I am looking for? Something seems to be missing from the equation and stuff is just not adding up.
Then there is Israel. Surely, getting a Master's degree is an appropriate step in preparing myself to be greatly used by God. I can think of no better place to get an education in the Bible than in the land where much of it took place. I want to go so badly, but in light of finances I am really wrestling with the timing of it all. Would it not be wiser to pay off the loans I have first and then pursue more education? But if I put off going next year, when will I go? Will I ever?
So much is weighing on my heart and mind as I consider where the Lord is leading, but the greatest burden is perhaps my desire to do the right thing, the best thing. I don't want to make a decision based on what is safest or easiest, nor what seems to be immediately exciting and fulfilling. I certainly don't want to make a decision out of fear or a lack of faith in God's provision. If I had my way, I wouldn't make the decision at all, but God would make the path He has for me so obvious that my only choice would be to follow it. Wouldn't it be easy if I just knew which way to go?
But sometimes maybe He doesn't reveal that to us because He knows that if we could see where He was taking us, we would be afraid or overwhelmed, and we wouldn't want to follow. I think He wants to know that we will trust Him enough to follow, even when we don't know where He is taking us.
So what does that look like? I'm not sure, but I don't want to be lazy and sit idly by doing nothing just because I don't have all the answers. Now then..... which direction to go?
In the midst of such uncertainty, I remind myself that God is sovereign and that He is good. Even though I don't have a plan, He does. Even though I don't know what that plan is, He does. Despite the fact that I have no clue which direction to head, which course to pursue, I am confident that if I am truly and humbly seeking Him that I will be on the right path.
Focus girl..... focus.
"...and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." Hebrews 12:1-2Labels: reflections