Pages from my Journal

I have found myself relating to her fears and concerns, to painful and humiliating lessons she has begun to learn, and to challenges she has faced so far. As she battles with her own will, I see the struggle I so often have within myself, the spiritual battle that rages within, which Paul speaks of in Romans 7.

Through Katherine's relationship with her mother I think I am catching a glimpse of my relationship to my parents, beginning to understand more fully their great love for me. I can remember times I tried so very hard to please them, and felt - through their corrections and constructive criticisms - that I would never be good enough. It was horribly frustrating for a child, to have their faults pointed out by the very ones from whom they were seeking recognition. Though I knew they were only encouraging me to be better by discouraging what failed to measure up, it was never fun to have those imperfections pointed out. What I really longed to hear was, "Good job. I'm proud of you." But if that's all I had ever heard from my parents, would I ever come to know my own weakness? Would I, in and of myself, recognize areas I needed to improve on if all I ever heard was praise for the good? It's not likely. I probably would have thought that I was good enough, that I had somehow attained all that was necessary. God forbid it!

Humility, I think, is priceless. I have been humiliated once or twice. Utterly humiliated. Mortified with self. It is a good place to be. We need more people, I think, who gently keep us there. Grace is never more beautiful than when you are getting up off of your face after falling hard. When you own your absolute dependence on the mercies of God, you appreciate them all the more.

Yet so many of us go through life pretending that we are somehow good enough. We put on a brave face, trying to live up to the external standard that society has determined to be acceptable. We act like we aren't really the failures that we know we are, and pray that no one finds out how often we actually mess up.

That is exactly why I have found "Stepping Heavenward" to be so refreshing. It is because of the honesty that is found on the pages of Katherine's journal. I can't help but wonder what people might learn from the pages of my journal. Would they learn from my mistakes? Would they identify with my struggles? Would they appreciate my humanity, and find comfort in my imperfection?

Humble honesty. I think we need more of that. More of the stuff that is found on pages from my journal, only lived out in relationships with people. Let's admit that we are failures. Let's admit that we aren't good enough. Together we can point each other to the grace of God. That, I think, is never a bad thing.