For the Love of a Lifestyle: So Selfish

Lately I have been confronted with the fact that I am horribly selfish. I spend most of my time thinking about myself: what I want, what I'm going to do with my time, who I want to spend that time with, where I want to go, my problems, my responsibilities, things that frustrate me.... the list goes on and on.

I find it impossible to think of a situation from someone else's perspective first. Every time I try giving others priority it takes fighting a battle with myself. It requires all-out war just getting to a point where I can actually see past myself and really look at the people God has placed around me. It doesn't come naturally. If I were honest, I would have to say that real consideration of others is something I do reluctantly, even kicking and screaming.

Natural inclination drives me to see everything from my point of view, and with a sort of subtle arrogance I usually assume that the way I see things is the way they really are. Rarely do I consider or make provision for alternative possibilities. That being the case, somewhere in my subconscious I must actually think that I am all-knowing. I may not say it or even think it, but I live with an attitude that says, "Of course that is the way things are. That is how I perceive them to be and I must be right."

That irritates me. This pride and egocentricity is the very attitude demonstrated by Satan himself. He wanted to be like God. And isn't that the root of all sin? Pride, hand in hand with its best friend Selfishness. Without any effort, I have made myself my own god. Despicable! I am horrified and ashamed!

Perhaps the greatest let-down in all of this is that my self love adds up to a failure to love God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength. It is the first and greatest commandment and I botch it every day. God deserves much better. He is worthy of so much more. But despite all my failures, His love for me never fails and never changes. In light of my own sin that fact is truly wondrous.

The truly blessed thing in all of this is that lately I have been asking God to reveal my sin to me. I have prayed that He would make known to me the secret evils that keep me from drawing closer to Him. Thankfully, He answers prayer. It is hard and it is humbling, but I praise Him for His mercy and look forward to the growth and the change this learning process will bring.