My heart is a little heavy just now. That may have something to do with the fact that I just e-mailed the Program Coordinator at Jerusalem University College, asking her to withdraw me from the program for Fall 2011. Please observe with me brief moment of silence.
. . . . . . .
It may seem abrupt, but this action was indeed a long time in coming. While slowly working toward paying off school loans this year, reality set in. That reality? After picking up a part-time job and spending the next couple years of my life working 60-ish hours per week, Lord willing I would be able to call myself debt free. Reality check: studying at JUC for just one year would land me in even more loan debt than I was in after 4 years of undergrad at BBC. Ugh.
Something about working myself half to death to pay off loans only to turn around and take out a bigger loan than ever leaves a bad taste in my mouth. At least it would if I weren't chewing Trident Original right now.... but I digress.
Admittedly, lack of success in finding a worthwhile part-time job contributed to this decision. At the rate I am currently able to make payments, it will be about 5 years before my loans are entirely paid off. In 5 years, am I really going to want to take out more loans to go back to school? After that long am I going to want to go back to school at all? With each passing year, it seems more and more distant.
Add to that the fact that one huge motivator in pursuing more education has been stewardship. God has gifted me academically and linguistically and I am convinced that is my Christian duty and responsibility to use those gifts for His glory. In my current situation, academics and linguistics remain marginalized, a sort of afterthought in my existence. To one day have a job where I'm paid to read, study, and teach the Word of God, using these gifts vocationally, would be an absolute dream-come-true! Is putting off an education toward that end in order to pay off loans better stewardship? The answer to that question is complex. Stewardship of what? Time? Money? Gifts? Paying off loans first might demonstrate a better stewardship of money, but stewardship of time and gifts has me leaning towards going back to school sooner rather than later, debt-free or not.
In the midst of such considerations, God has been at work in my life. The more I come to know Him through His Word, the more I love Him. The more I love Him, the more I desire to know Him and to be in His Word. It is a constant cycle of seeking Him through the Word, finding Him, marvelling as He opens my eyes and grants me greater understanding, and then returning with renewed hunger and thirst to the Word that I might know Him still more and more. It is true what they say: the more you know you know, the more you know you don't know. As my relationship with God and my understanding of His Word matures, I recognize how much I have to learn! That and an ever growing desire to know God more deeply continues to nudge me in the direction of more education. But if not JUC, then where?
Earlier this week I sent in my application for an M.Div in Biblical and Theological Studies at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Without going into too much detail, I chose to apply to this particular program at this particular institute for several reasons. Recommendations from key friends and individuals proved highly influential in the process. On top of that, I had heard good things about SBTS during my undergrad, I have connections with people who are already students there, and it is a well-respected academic institute with a large and scholarly faculty. A final and major contributing factor: the incredibly affordable tuition rate.
I could go on to share what I have been learning about God's direction in the life of the believer and the centrality of the glory of God in all things, but I think it's best if I save those for another post as I have much to say on this matter. It sufficeth to say that I want to pursue more education for the right reasons. Let going to SBTS and pursuing this degree be for the glory of God alone. May it not be simply to ease the restlessness I feel in present circumstances, or to provide the intellectual stimulation I crave, or to maintain some sense of security by surrounding myself with familiar people and experiences that I can take refuge in. I want my motive to be the glory of God in all things. If going back to school is not going to bring Him the most glory in and through my life I want no part of it.... but more on that later.Labels: education, every day life