Walking by faith and not by sight is easier said than done. I arrived in Louisville, KY just over a month and a half ago, and have experienced about as many emotions as I have days. Trusting God to provide a job, trusting Him to lead me to the right church, trusting Him to provide for my financial needs as a seminary student...
When I arrived on campus I moved into my room, a little excited about living on the undergrad side of the dorm and being able to mentor some of the college girls. A few days later, I ended up having to move over to the seminary side anyway. A little letdown, I trusted that God had a better plan for me and my ministry down here.
Looking for jobs was pretty discouraging. I got calls for lifeguarding jobs, but my certification was expired. One hopeful afternoon was spent calling around to every YMCA and Red Cross office in the area only to find out that I had already missed all the lifeguarding classes for the summer.
The Lord did provide a job. One Monday I called in about a 'now hiring' advertisement at a restaurant. Later that day I went in and filled out an application. When I handed it in, the manager scheduled a meeting for later that afternoon, in which I was hired on the spot. After a week of searching for jobs and chasing down leads, the Lord provided one in a single day.
But I have still struggled. I left a job in PA that I felt was poor stewardship of my God-given gifts. How was moving several states and working at a restaurant a step in the right direction? Most of the people I was working with were already believers, themselves students at the seminary. It was a great environment to work in, but I couldn't even use my job as an occasion for evangelism. Wasn't that something I had prayed for, even before the move? I felt frustrated, and demotivated. Sure I was working to pay for my education, but couldn't there be a job more suited for me out there? Lord, why this?
I sat down one afternoon and calculated my upcoming school expenses and my current income only to discover that there is a drastic gap. Trying to figure out how to balance work and school, when you're not even sure if all your work is enough money to pay for the school is a tough place to be. I'm supposed to be a full-time student to live in the dorm. Though the dorm is the cheapest living expense I have yet to come across, I'm not sure at this point if I can afford the full-time tuition required to live in the dorm. That would mean working more hours, but I'm not sure I could work enough hours and keep up with a full-time student load at the same time. It's beginning to seem like it's just right to be wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if I made a wrong turn somewhere, if I took some bad advice, or if I somehow misunderstood the leading of the Lord somewhere along the way. Was I foolish for coming all this way without a plan? If it really was the Lord Who led me down here, why hasn't He provided for these needs? I wonder if maybe I was just thinking of myself and what I wanted instead of really seeking the Lord's will...
In the midst of all this, I have noticed my car has started to make funny noises. At high speeds, and especially going uphill, it makes a sort of grinding noise and shakes/jerks/shudders the car. To my untrained ears, it felt like my automatic was trying to change gears and they were not catching. Not a good sign. I did a little research and found out that my car isn't worth half what it would cost to replace the transmission. How can I even think about buying another car when I don't even know how I'm going to pay for school and housing?
When I took the car in, they drove it around and told me it was a misfire in the engine, not the transmission. Good news, but unfortunately they didn't have the right piece for their scanner to find out what the actual cause of the problem was. I had to wait a week before I could take it in again. The second time their scanner revealed 5 or 6 codes, which basically means the computer in my car told their scanner that there are 5 or 6 things wrong with the engine in my car. But because there were so many, they still didn't know which specific thing was causing the misfire. However, they were gracious enough to point out that one of the codes was pretty serious and if that part needed replacing it would be about $500. Thanks.
Even better, the free assessment had expired at this point, and they were estimating 2 hours at $90/hr just to find out which of the 5 or 6 things was my problem. I graciously said not right now, asked the man to write down the codes for me, and left. At this point I cried for a good while, and shed a few tears here and there over the next few days. Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe the feeling. What am I supposed to do? Who can I trust to look at the car and be straight with me? How am I going to afford to fix it?
Fast-forward to today. Another week has expired since that last trip to the auto-shop, and I still don't know what is wrong with the car. Someone from church took a look at it this past weekend and is going to try replacing a couple things tomorrow. They just happen to have a parts engine lying around that is the same as mine. The Lord is good, no? Hopefully that will take care of the problem. For now it's still a waiting and trusting battle.
It's been a rough couple of weeks for me and I'd be lying if I said I have been trusting God through the whole experience. There have been days when I was near despair, days when I was afraid, days when I was frustrated, and days when I felt abandoned. Even now it is a fight to speak truth to myself and to trust in the Lord. Nagging, worrying thoughts still creep up now and again.
I'd like to point out that am thankful for the church the Lord has led me to here. Each week I am preached the mercies of the glorious gospel and encouraged by the hope it holds for me and the blessings that are mine in Christ Jesus. I have already been given so much, more than I can ever repay. Why wouldn't I trust my day to day physical life to the One who has already saved me spiritually? But it's easier said than done, much like walking by faith and not by sight.
When I look around I see many reasons to fear and to worry. Though there seems to be much cause for anxiety, God is still sovereign. He is in control, not me. I find it a relief to know that I am not responsible for making everything work out. I came down here to go to school because I want to know God more, to love Him more deeply, to study His Word, and to serve Him more faithfully with my gifts. But all these things I can do whether or not I am going to school.
There are a lot of unknowns right now, but that is precisely why it is walking by faith. Here is where the rubber meets the road. Today, by the grace of God, this soldier is marching onward.Labels: every day life, reflections