Six months ago I was coming to terms with celiac disease and walking through the humbling experience of adapting one's diet and lifestyle for the sake of basic health. Though what seemed like such an overwhelming challenge initially has now become a routine part of life, I feel I would be remiss if I failed to recount little blessings along the way. For example, there was the wonderfully thoughtful and beneficial package a dear pastor and his wife sent me, full of books about life with celiac:
Then there is the continual elation I experience while shopping and finding products actually labeled "gluten free" by the grocery store. Who knew that such a small thing could bring such joy to my heart?! But seriously, it makes shopping SO much easier, and makes me feel like there are people out there who actually care about people like me. Thank you Kroger!
Six months on, having celiac disease honestly seems like not as big a deal anymore, and over the course of the past six months, there have been other pretty substantial, unrelated developments in life that have led to some profound conversation, thinking, and prayer over the past several weeks.
My experience with celiac disease and all the Dr. and hospital visits it brought prompted interest in the medical field. The more I learned about my body and my condition, the more fascinated I was, and I began thinking and praying about a future in healthcare, though it seemed a somewhat unlikely, somewhat distant possibility.
Simultaneously, classes, relationships, and sermons at Southern were prompting a lot of thought about missions, unreached people groups, and practically equipping myself for the sake of advancing the kingdom. Ironically, the sermon that impacted me the most, ultimately influencing my decision to leave seminary in order to pursue a nursing degree, was delivered by the president of the seminary himself. His message about the shrewd business manager in Luke 16:1-13 challenged me to think about what steps I could take to make myself more useful for the spread of the gospel. Nursing seemed like a great and highly practical direction.
Initially I was afraid that my peers would reject the idea of leaving seminary, but after much prayer and seeking godly counsel, I received nothing but affirmation. So, after finishing out my semester at Southern, I began preparing for and looking into a future in healthcare. I was excited, and what had initially seemed an unlikely possibility began looking more and more possible. There remained questions to be answered, but I had faith that the Lord would open the doors through which He was leading, and I set out in that faith.
Yet, as I pursued this course over the summer, I found myself running into obstacle after obstacle, roadblock after roadblock. At the beginning of the summer, I took a class to get certified as a nurse aid, but after waiting a month for the results of my first state test I learned that I had failed due to a technicality and had to re-take it. The extra wait killed any hope of acquiring a position at a hospital before the fall semester began. Yet the graciousness of the Lord persisted. Someone anonymously supplied the necessary funds for re-taking the test, and I passed the second time without any complications.
At the same time, registering for necessary classes at community college was a hassle. After spending hours trying to get a hold of the right people over the phone, I learned that registration had to be done on campus. I showed up on registration day only to be shuffled around from one department and floor to the next, with nearly every one telling me a different story about why my registration couldn't be completed. First floor said I had missed orientation, sixth floor said I had a hold on my account, second floor said they were missing my transcripts.
But I was determined, and at one office I asked them to check the mail to see if the transcript had come in that day. While the woman was away from her desk begrudgingly obliging my persistent request, I prayed that the Lord would cause it to be there, acknowledging that He alone had the power to make all the obstacles I was facing disappear. She came back with the missing transcript in hand and removed the hold from my account. Finally I was able to register and avoid a late fee, but when they printed my bill it revealed that I was being charged as an out-of-state student.
Unable to afford out-of-state tuition rates, I had two weeks to compile a ridiculous amount of legal documentation demonstrating my in-state residency status before the tuition deadline. Convinced that the difficulties I was facing were not an indication of any lack of God's blessing for this new direction, I persisted and spent the next week gathering the required information, submitting it with a week to spare.
Days later, my application was rejected. Undeterred, I appealed the decision, submitting further information as requested. By this time, classes had begun, and I attended the first couple of days, only to learn in a meeting with the registrar on the third morning that my appeal, my final hope for remaining in classes this fall, had also been rejected. The revelation left me no choice but to drop all of my classes and take a semester off from academia, adding another year onto my plans for pursuing a nursing degree. I was crushed.
The setback, along with other recent losses, has left me feeling utterly stripped. In a matter of days, all my immediate plans and expectations for the future were taken from me, and in the weeks immediately following I have spent much time seeking the face of the Lord, re-thinking and inquiring about His will and direction for my life. Without a doubt, I see His hand in these losses, and as I have sought Him through tears I have heard Him gently whisper, "Yes I have taken these things from you, but am I enough for you?" And through my tears I have answered a resounding, though broken, "Yes!"
I am convinced that through these losses my Heavenly Father is training me, teaching me to rest in Him alone, and affirming to me that my satisfaction and contentment and identity are all found in Christ alone. For this I am truly grateful, because I also get the feeling that these losses are only foretastes of the kinds of difficult things that He will ask of me in the future. In these bitter losses I taste the sweet mercy of God. Though He has removed precious things from my life, in return He has given me something far more precious: more of Himself, and more satisfaction, more rest in Him. It is nothing short of the mercy of God when He removes from our lives that which keeps us from more of Himself.
That is not to say that I have overcome every doubt, every struggle, and every sadness that has come with these losses. Just yesterday I was wrestling with profound sorrow and frustration, questioning whether I should give up on the idea of a future in healthcare altogether. At times I wonder how many obstacles and roadblocks it takes to conclude that God is closing a door altogether. When does the believer persevere through hardship, and when do they throw in the towel and pursue a different course? I have weighed this question much these past few weeks and have no answer, other than a nagging awareness that God does not call us to a life of ease. The presence of difficulty does not equal the absence of His blessing.
And this morning when I opened my Bible seeking a Word of encouragement and some kind of direction, it fell open to James 1. This wasn't unusual. My ribbon bookmark (as seen in the picture below) has been resting unmoved in James for almost a year. Normally the pages naturally fall open there, and I simply turn to another passage where I spend my quiet time. But today, the underlined verses (1:2-4) caught my eye, and for whatever reason I took the time to read them:
After reading "...the testing of your faith produces endurance..." over and over again, I am convinced that God is training me to endure through this season of my life. Now is not the time to throw in the towel and pursue a different course, but a time to persist, despite the difficulty and the discouragement of the past few weeks. I pray that on the other side of this present trial the truths of this passage will be realized in my life, that "endurance [will] have its perfect result" and that I "may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
With those promises in my heart and on my mind this morning I feel as though I have, in many ways, come full circle from where I was six months ago. The lessons of humility and dependence on the Lord continue, and I see Him drawing me nearer and nearer to Him through these present circumstances. Though I know less about what the future holds than I thought I did a few weeks ago I still know what lies at the end of my race, and that knowledge gives me a hope and a reason to endure the twists and turns along the way.
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." Jude 1:24-25 Labels: Bible/theology, every day life, journal/quiet time, reflections
