Right after we began courting, I was pretty hesitant and skeptical, not wanting to let my expectations get too high. But I couldn't deny the quality of Ben's character, or how much I enjoyed being around him, and our relationship blossomed. We hung out as often as we could, which initially meant just 30 minutes in the evening after Ben got off work and before I started my night shift at the hospital. At this point, I was struggling to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time because of my flip-flopped sleep schedule, so when I injured my back at work it was the last straw and I put in my two weeks notice.
Around the same time, about a month into our relationship, I met Ben's family on their annual vacation at a lake. They were warm and friendly, and it was a weekend of boating, fun, and food, as well as his sister's engagement! I loved Ben's family, and they really liked me. On the drive home Ben talked about moving forward in the relationship with pre-engagement counseling. I agreed.
Our church encourages pre-engagement counseling for couples who are thinking about marriage, rather than traditional pre-marital counseling. The topics covered are the same, but having the conversations before engagement enables a couple to work through bigger issues that could be deal breakers before any public commitment has been made.
Soon, we began pre-engagement counseling with my small group leader and his wife. It was hard, and wonderful, humiliating, and profitable. The very first night we talked about past relationships and sins. As I confessed past failures I felt such shame and fear, but Ben met me with grace, love, and forgiveness. Never in my life had I experienced such a clear demonstration of the gospel, and I tasted the grace, love, and forgiveness of God in a deeper, more beautiful way. Ben told me over and over - as often as I needed to hear it - how he saw me as justified and righteous because of the blood of Christ. I felt so undeserving.
Much of our time in pre-engagement counseling was affirming. Ben and I held many of the same marriage and family values. We shared much of the same vision and goals. But there were things we had to work through too. Ben felt called to stay in the U.S. as an intentional sender, financially supporting and staying in regular contact with missionaries. But before I met Ben, I was beginning to look into going overseas as a single missionary.
As a missionary kid, remaining stateside was something I never seriously thought I would do. I was torn. Ben and I had lots of conversations about it. He was open to going overseas if God called him, but he was convinced God was calling him to remain and to send others instead.
I prayed and prayed, and one day, God answered. I realized that my hang up was centered around the idea that I could bring greater glory to God with my life by going overseas. If that was true, staying in the U.S. was unthinkable. But God answered my prayers by revealing to me the arrogance of that idea. How could I possibly know which course would bring greater glory to God?
God is glorified by our obedience and our faithfulness, which stem from our faith in Him. I could glorify God by going overseas, and I could also glorify God by remaining stateside, married to Ben. What mattered most was if I was faithful and obedient in either calling, whether overseas as a missionary or in the U.S. as a wife. Further, I had never personally felt called overseas or anywhere for that matter, though I was always willing to go. Yet I knew the needs, and with so many unwilling, often I felt that I ought to go.
But willingness and awareness of a need are not always equal to a calling to personally meet that need. Sometimes God gives us willingness and awareness so we can help equip others to meet those needs. Ben has a vision for purposefully discipling and sending others to bring the gospel to the nations. He told me once that instead of going as one man, he hopes that by staying he can be a key part of sending many others.
I had never met someone who was so intent on staying, and yet so involved in sending. The more I caught Ben's vision, the more I began to see how a missionary kid such as myself could be a great asset to a vision like that. It was something I could see myself being a part of, and I was excited to see what the future held.Labels: every day life